Are hyphenated married names pretentious? |
Got to get this one off my chest. Women who use hyphenated last names bug me. If my wife had been the type of woman who wanted to use a hyphenated last name, I would never have married her.
Now wait, before you bash me for being shallow. Look ladies, you marry someone, you don’t have to take his last name. You can keep your maiden name, but I do not like at all the whole maiden_name-married_name convention. The whole hyphenated last name thing needs to fly to a distant galaxy and never return. Those who have stage names should keep their names whether they get married or not. That’s part of your brand.
And while we’re at it, it’s 1000 times worse if you do this online. Women, I know you won’t listen to some blogger who doesn’t even have a last name, but I beg you to stop pointing at yourself, intentionally or not, with your 25+ character names. First rule of internet naming common sense: choose something short.
That’s at least partly why my name is ‘TDavid’ and even more preferably: TD. It’s easy to type, easy to remember, and easy not to screw up (but some people still do and miss the capital ‘T’). If you want to be Jane mynameisimportant-soIusetwoofthem make that your problem, not ours.
Ahhh, I feel so much better. I’ve been waiting to write this for years. I made it a Twitter message before blogging this, here are a few heartfelt responses before pressing the publish button.
@claynewton writes: “@TDavid, I don’t think it’s pretentious in the least to hyphenate. The “last name” matter is as complex as the fabric of our culture”
But *online* why hyphenate @claynewton? It seems to go against the KISS principle. Look at Twitter with 140 chars. 180 for married women?
@Trula: “married women who hyphenate aren’t being pretentious. it’s just they don’t realize the point. the name issue is mere icing.”
And then Trula’s follow-up: ” @TDavid take his name, keep your name, hyphenate. none is more valid choice. you’re still married, complicit in patriarchal institution.”
Ironic, but this post might seem pretentious to some. Wow, it’s also the second post of the day, been awhile since I could say that (gasp). Feel free to weigh in below whether or not you think hyphenated names are pretentious and please note that I didn’t use any freaking hyphens in the title, ha!
Did this post make you go hmm?
(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
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My wife kept her last name when we married. When we had kids, we gave them my last name as their middle name, and her last name as their surname.
Regarding hyphenation, sometimes the children take the hyphenated name as well. Then what happens in the next generation? Even more hyphens? Or do they just resort to inbreeding to save on typing?
Comment by Sterling "Chip" Camden — May 22, 2008 @ 1:15 pm PST
So would you have still married your wife if she wanted to have a hyphenated name, Sterling?
Comment by TDavid — May 22, 2008 @ 4:36 pm PST
Of course — because when we married we were just recognizing the relationship that we had already built over two years of living together. I probably would have brought up the fact that no online or paper forms would have enough characters available for our combined names, though. Heck, it ticks me off that a lot of forms don’t allow more than 8 characters for first name, which truncates our daughter’s name.
But when my mother remarried after my father’s death, she hyphenated her name. I’m OK with that, if that’s what she wants.
My first wife still goes by my last name, even though she has since remarried. That one kind of creeps me out.
Comment by Sterling "Chip" Camden — May 22, 2008 @ 5:03 pm PST
I think with a lot of women — and understandably so — it’s a hassle to change your surname, so that probably explains your ex’s situation. Or maybe she just couldn’t get over you
Comment by TDavid — May 22, 2008 @ 5:24 pm PST
Hyphenated surnames were commonplace in England long before feminists deconstructed western materialism.
But why do you focus on women as being pretentious in this post, TD?
I know at least a couple of men who’ve hyphenated their surnames with their wives’.
In Spanish, the mother’s line is part of every male’s name, so at least there is more than one historical precedent in western civilization for a nomenclature that includes the matrilineal aspect of humanity.;-)
Comment by Vince Williams — May 22, 2008 @ 7:51 pm PST
Does your disdain also apply to men? Or if the marriage issue is out of the question is it irrelevant?
I kind of like the fact that my wife and I took the same last name when we married (15 years ago this summer). But it’s a pain in the a* when booking flights. (airline computers don’t recognize the hyphen). And I shorten it to the original all the time.
(I also had second thoughts about the muslim part of the adopted name after 9-11, but that’s a different issue).
WILL
Comment by Will Glass-Husain — May 22, 2008 @ 8:24 pm PST
What Vince said about Spanish naming conventions…. How bout those of us who are II, III, IV, V’s? Should we carry the roman numeral?
Comment by FranciscoIV — May 23, 2008 @ 7:43 am PST
I’ll just start going by “Sterling the Great” and be done with it.
Comment by Sterling "Chip" Camden — May 23, 2008 @ 9:14 am PST
People have done it for ages, that’s why ethnic names have “De” and “Du” in front of them. I’m personal fan of the couple choosing a new name upon marriage. It would be so much more interesting that way.
Comment by beth in greensboro — May 23, 2008 @ 9:37 am PST
To me it smacks of elitism. Call me prejudice, I just get that impression for whatever reason.
Comment by orangecrush — May 23, 2008 @ 10:33 pm PST
Vince - because I recognize this as an issue that comes up primarily with women in the United States. I had no idea of its origins in history in other locales. I definitely feel the same toward men using hyphens, so no sexism is in play, that can be assured.
Sterling The Great? LOL!
Comment by TDavid — May 24, 2008 @ 5:36 am PST
FranciscoIV - the numbers in names (or jr, sr) are not in the same category as hyphens to me, after all that is there to avoid naming collision. However, is Francisco (the first) still alive? Once the older Francisco’s die off, is the numbering still necessary? Bottom line: numbering = not pretentious IMO.
Will - see my response to Vince in #11 and please excuse me not using your hyphen in a response. That’s what happens, people just axe the hyphen anyway in online communications. Why use them? Religious reasons? That one makes some sense although I seriously doubt God cares that much about hyphens either.
Beth - I like the new name together idea.
Comment by TDavid — May 24, 2008 @ 5:56 am PST
TD,
I didn’t think you were being sexist, but since you said “Got to get this one off my chest”, I wondered if some recent event precipitated this reaction.
The guys I know who hyphenated their names to include their wives’ surnames did it back in the ’70s as a gesture of solidarity with our ’sisters’.
I see no intrinsic reason why women should subsume their identity to their husbands’ when they get married, but it will be interesting to see how gays (male or female) who marry each other in California handle the naming of any children conceived or adopted within the marriage.
I assume that most of the parents will retain their own surnames, but it does raise the issue of whose surname children born into their families will carry. A hyphenated name would be an easy, if inefficient, solution.
Comment by Vince Williams — May 24, 2008 @ 10:53 am PST
I’m with TD on this one. For me it seems that a woman is not willing to commit all of herself to the relationship of she is still keeping part of her old self. In short, i think women only half-marry their husbands if they keep their old name as well. Where has the trust and pride in their relationship gone if they can’t make a change to symbolise it?
Comment by pete F — May 25, 2008 @ 3:09 pm PST
I would also like to express my displeasure with modern-day harlots exposing their ankles in their beach attire.
Poppycock, I say.
Comment by Matthew Boyd — May 26, 2008 @ 5:50 pm PST
I was determined not to change my name when I got married - I had gone 29 years with the same name, committing to my husband shouldn’t mean I change my identity, should it? But we both decided to change our names to a hyphenated hybrid as a sign of unity. His name comes first, simply because it sounds better and we are both proud and happy to explain our decision to people who question the pretention of hyphenation. I have also found that the aversion to hyphenation is a very American trend - many of my American friends use their maiden name as a middle name, which, to me is simply the same thing as taking their husband’s name.
Comment by Alice — August 27, 2008 @ 8:51 pm PST
I absolutely hate hyphenated names. I agree that if my wife insisted on hyphenating I would not have married her. The bible states God views marriage as two becoming as one. With a hyphenated name it implies the women does not want this and prefers to keep her own identity. Search the internet on this topic. Time and time again, reasons given for this is that it is easier to change if you decide to leave the marriage, etc… Obviously women who hyphenate have their own interests at heart.
To me I would fine it extremely insulting if a women I felt so in love with that I chose to ask her to be my wife would refuse the one thing only I could give to her- my name. But still demand a diamond ring. What is this saying? To me it says I dont want you just what you can give me.
It would be interesting to see how these women would feel if men just decided that having to give a women a diamond ring was old fashion, and obsolete. We just either do without or use a washer for the local Lowes or Home Depot. Its round and fits on the finger just like a ring.
Comment by Rob — September 4, 2008 @ 10:08 am PST
Well, I’m not that religious, so I guess my views are as different from yours as they could be.
But, actually the argument “two becoming one” was a pretty compelling reason to hyphenate. I liked the symbolism and we both took the hyphenated name.
But then, at 21, I didn’t really have the cash to buy a diamond ring– we just stuck with gold. But for us it seemed to work out, that was 15 years ago and we’re both still having the name and wearing the rings.
Comment by Will Glass-Husain — September 4, 2008 @ 2:19 pm PST
I find the whole idea of hyphenating surnames very pretentious. As to the idea of a wife “losing” her identity simply because she takes her husbands surname, that’s even more absurd. Both partners change / adapt / compromise in order to make the relationship work, and inside or outside marriage, life is a constant stream of change anyway……unless you decide at some arbitrary point that you know everything there is to know about everything. There is also a contradiction between a woman who happily hyphenates her maiden and married names, but DOESN’T hyphenate her christian names..ie Mary Beth, or Billy Jo. Incidentally, my dog’s name is……. Ringo Dingo Percivil-Smythe 1V.
Comment by TimC — September 16, 2008 @ 6:35 am PST
I was the only child in my family, and a girl. I hyphenated my name when I got married out of respect for my father. I see absolutely no problem with that. I did receive a lot of flack from ignorant, though in most cases, well meaning friends and family. Keeping my name, and also honoring my husband by taking his name as well, was not pretentious. I take issue with anyone who expresses that. It shows intolerance and has no place in our society.
Comment by Laura — October 11, 2008 @ 2:04 am PST
Laura - If I had a daughter, I surely wouldn’t see it as a sign of respect for her to carry my surname as hyphenated with her husband’s. Maybe yours and other fathers feel differently? Will admit I never thought about it from a parental perspective (we have three boys, no girls). That’s pretty cool if your father does and I would agree that it is not pretentious at all. I appreciate and welcome your perspective and thank you for sharing.
But that doesn’t change how I feel about hyphenated names in general. Especially online. You aren’t using a hyphenated name on the internet, so respect for your father and husband in concert isn’t an online thing? That respect is only offline? Why use a hyphenated name online where brevity in characters is at a premium?
And I respectfully disagree that disagreeing on something raises to the level of intolerance. I’m not going out and burning people’s lawns who have hyphenated names or joining any hyphenated name hate groups.
If others are doing so then I’d agree with you that that would be ignorant and intolerant and you might have something with substance to take issue with. In the meantime, live your live however makes you happy and maybe try to have a little more open mind. I do
Comment by TDavid — October 11, 2008 @ 7:32 am PST
TDavid - I see no reason to hyphenate online and have never done so. I tend to use initials online, which has nothing to do with respect for anyone but myself and also has to do with personal preference. Perhaps because I have heard again and again in the last 13 years remarks regarding my name from people, I am a bit defensive. It is interesting that something like a name having a dash in it will get such extreme responses from people. I’ve heard “Oh, you’re one of those people.” quite often, usually with more than a hint of sarcasm.
For me, it was never about losing my identity or wanting a contingency plan if the marriage didn’t work. My husband never had a problem with me hyphenating. Would I have married him if he had - yes. Would I have taken his name and dropped mine, I doubt it. Any man who truly loved me would never ask me to drop my name. It’s who I am. I wouldn’t ask anyone I loved to drop their name just because I married them. That’s stupid.
Comment by Laura — October 12, 2008 @ 10:45 pm PST
TD, I am considering hyphenating my last name.
I do however have a reason for this - it is personal, but here goes:
I had two children before I met my husband, and they both have my maiden name - I figured by hyphenating my last name now, we could all at least share that.
Comment by FJones — October 31, 2008 @ 3:47 pm PST
Laura…I have to say that I find your arguments regarding the retention of your fathers (family) name pretty thin. I respect the person, not their name or position, but under NO circumstances do I find this whole subject anything more that lightweight. As to my “intolerance” regarding the method people choose to identify themselves, that’s a total nonsense. I could care less what you choose to call yourself…..I’m simply expressing an opinion. If that is your definition of intolerance, then you’re shutting the door on all views contrary to your own, which is probably a rather better definition of intolerance. As I understand the dynamics of the marriage ceremony, the bride’s father is normally the one who “GIVES THE BRIDE AWAY”…. Isn’t that supposed to signify that you’ve moved from your father’s family to your husband’s, and part of that process is that you forego your family surname and take your husbands name to signify your acceptance of this transfer.?? I expect the millions of people who’ve gone through this process are well meaning but misguided, and all now regret losing their identity. I find it a strange notion that exchanging one’s family surname for their husbands could promote any sort of identity crisis, but it apparently does. I wonder whether that then creates another problem….who’s surname comes first in this hyphenated concoction..?? If I were the husband and came second, I might have an identity crisis of my own…..Hmmmmm !!! I’ll have to get a letter off to President-Elect Obama….I think he needs to be addressing this pressing issue with some urgency.
ps. I’ve just seen F Jones post, and I agree with her 100%. Her viewpoint certainly makes sense, and gives her children a continuing sense of identity and belonging to both old and new families.
Comment by TimC — November 9, 2008 @ 11:17 am PST
Giving your children your last name as middle name? Are you kidding me?! Why in the hell would you do that to your children? That’s almost as bad as naming your son Cody or Cory or Brody or some stupid name like that… I can see if you don’t have the balls to stand up to your wife, but c’mon.. your children shouldn’t have to pay for your lack of balls!
Comment by Josh — November 24, 2008 @ 6:58 am PST
What does a last name have to do with balls?
Comment by Sterling Camden — November 24, 2008 @ 1:31 pm PST
Josh seems to live in some parallel dimension that overlaps the one the rest of us live in. Somehow he’s lived there his whole life and never noticed all those people who have a family surname for a middle name (preppies are prone to this). Admittedly, it’s possible that he missed this fact because so few people with a name like Thomas Oldham Faircloth use their middle name.
As for balls, I’d say Josh’s somehow got misplaced and have plenty of room to rattle around inside his skull.;-)
Comment by Vince Williams — November 24, 2008 @ 8:40 pm PST