A few days ago I wrote about looking forward to the update of The Poseidon Adventure which aired as a three hour made for TV movie on NBC last night and to my surprise the screenwriter, Bryce Zabel, showed up in the comments area of this blog. How about that, the screenwriter of an NBC movie is a blogger? And Zabel isn’t one of those bloggers just jumping on the PR wagon to promote the movie he penned, he has been blogging for awhile via TypePad. Cool!

The first few minutes of the updated Poseidon seemed more like an episode of 24. So much so, I expected to see Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer racing across the terrorist compound. Alas that opening scene sets the stage, pardon the pun, for something Zabel perhaps felt was more 2005 than 1972: terrorism instead of tidal waves. At the end of the day, I’m not sure the whole terroists take over the Poseidon and set off a bomb worked vs. the much stronger hand of Mother Nature.

Another thing that bothered me about this treatment: none of the characters we care about died. Hate to throw up a spoiler here, but in 1972 some of the characters we actually cared about died. That was part of the tension and allure of the film. I’m not sure if moviemakers these days are worried about turning off viewers by killing off the people we like or what, but the original book had the little boy die, which was cut from the ‘72 version and the boy doesn’t even get scratched in 2005. Instead he’s a junior filmmaker catching his dad have an affair with the ship’s massage therapist.

And what’s up with the sleazy massage therapist (Nathalie Boltt) aboard a respectible lady like the Poseidon? No professional therapist dresses with her breasts practically popping out or every client would want to be jumping her bones. The ‘72 version had the hooker as Detective Rogo’s wife, so maybe that’s where we get a shot across the bow at a profession which is often lumped in with prostitution? This sets up a love triangle between the massage therapist, the little boy’s father (Steve Guttenberg who played in Cocoon) and mother, none of which turn out to be very likeable characters.

Screenwriter Zabel promised that the effects were better and he is correct. The camera work is much improved and some of the brief special effects shots are impressive. I must admit that I felt cheated as a viewer that we couldn’t see a huge tidal wave, something like we saw in The Day After Tomorrow rock that boat as opposed to a bomb going off, but my guess is this was a budgetary decision. Made for TV movies do not get the dollars that big budget films do.

Gene Hackman played the boisterous reverend in ‘72 and who replaces him? Rutger Hauer? You’ve got to be kidding. Rutger has been in more action bombs than could ever have been placed on the S.S Poseidon. Fortunately, his role in this film is greatly subdued until the final frames and thankfully he doesn’t insert God into every dozen or so lines. Thank you, Mr. Zabel.

The best casting of the film was Adam Baldwin as Rogo who played Jayne in Serenity. He was a great answer to the eternally annoying Ernest Borgnine in ‘72. Rogo ‘05 plays the Department of Homeland Security cop who is there to sniff out the terrorists and he did the best he could with this substory which really doesn’t go anywhere. Zabel indicated in the blog comments here that some lines had to be cut and I’m wondering if there was more to this terrorism plotline in the original treatment? Perhaps Rogo interrogates the captured terrorist and finds there was even more collusion aboard the ship? This is the hole in the story that at least this viewer didn’t really get. I just didn’t buy that the ship security was that lacking.

Frankly, I would have rather seen Rogo do the nasty with the massage therapist and create some sort of love spark there rather than her being part of breaking up a family — trying to, anyway. So Rogo, the most likeable character in the bunch has no love interest and there is no leadership tension either like there was in ‘72, missing one of the strongest character conflicts of the original story: the battle between the condemned holy man and the saint who married a whore. The priest who knew it all vs. the calculating cop. The group as a whole in 2005 is almost too amicable. They seem to get along too much for being in a chaotic situation. Perhaps the ‘72 crowd overacted the drama, but the ‘05 crew underacts the drama.

There is one curious technology nod that never would have happened in ‘72: hey, let’s stop by the internet cafe and send out emails to our mailing list that the ship is sinking. Bill Gates was even mentioned, as Lestat notes: “Oh yea - did you catch the childs comment at the internet cafe?! “Bill Gates’ worst nightmare.” I wonder if Scoble caught this one? Nice touch!

The ballroom scene offered a great opportunity for some singer to step up with a great new song (I almost used the word ‘killer’), after all in ‘72 a hit song came out of there (”It’s got to be the morning afterrrr“) but there will be no morning after in 2005 for this singer or song. It sucked. Another budget decision? Too bad. Perhaps this would have been a good spot for an 80’s hairband making a comeback? Seems like a chance for a substory here was lost altering another key historical piece from the original film.

Overall, I liked The Poseidon Adventure 2005 more than I’ve liked some other updates like Miracle on 34th Street and Bad News Bears but unfortunately that’s not saying very much. The script, though it was obviously cut down from a larger work, saved the very basic framework of the original film but altered and updated it enough for it to be a different and in some cases disappointing film. With recent earthquakes, hurricanes the likelihood of a 100-foot tidal wave is perhaps even more plausible today than a terrorist attack.

One critic at IMDB said: “Boy did it sink.” and pointed out how completely implausible that a ship could capsize because of an explosion. That’s the movie business circa 2005. Insult viewer intelligence for the sake of big effects.

There were some likeable parts of the movie, but I think it could have been improved. Just a general call here but will somebody in movies or TV get some stones and start allowing more likeable characters viewers to die? We all die sooner or later, so why do movies have to fixate on a completely happy endings most of the time? I suppose one could say that on a ship of 2,000 only a scant few surviving isn’t a happy ending, but remember Titanic? Jack didn’t live … and it worked. Grade: C+

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