Based on the marketing alone, I wanted to see the new movie with Paris Hiton and Elisha Cuthbert. Besides, until Star Wars III next week, it’s really the only game in town. It’s the remake of the Vincent Price movie: House of Wax (HOW).

The basic plot is a group of young adults are heading to a football game and take a detour and camp out near a creepy town. During this campout one of the campers has his fan belt break (or be cut?), so he has to make the trip into town with his girlfriend, played by Elisha Cuthbert, who has the lead role, not Paris Hilton. This is where they see this House of Wax which is quite literally a house made of wax.

These two siamese twin brothers, separated at birth, have a thing going where they cover real people with wax. From the previews I thought wax people came alive and walked the earth, sort of zombie style, but that’s not how it goes. Also, in the end, there is a slight twist — which I won’t ruin — which almost guarantees there will be a sequel. Or two. Or three. That’s the way it goes in the horror movie franchise.

Paris Hilton really has only a small part in this movie and most the time you see her locking lips with her African American boyfriend who seems more interested in getting to the football game, getting laid and playing his tunes than being involved in the movie. Though I didn’t count, it sure seems like Paris Hilton has more lip-locking and close-ups of scantily-clad dress scenes than actual acting scenes. When she does act, it’s horribly wooden and unpolished. Get into pron officially already, Paris!

Elisha Cuthbert, perhaps most notable for her role as Kim Bauer in the Fox TV show 24, has a different look and does OK as the lead in the flick. It can’t be a step up for her career moving into remakes of old horror flicks though.

So the real question is: does Paris Hilton get waxed? I won’t tell you if she gets wacked, that would ruin the fun, but she definitely does not get waxed. I was hoping they’d put some wax in her and put her on display at the end of the movie. They could have tied in some clever Simple Life asides.

Comparing this movie to other B-grade horror flicks and it’s not bad, but it takes a good hour — which is too long — to get the story and characterization drawn. Some of the characters are sterotypically cheesy: football jock looking for redemption, brother and sister feuding, etc. Still, no boobs! No nudity aleft! What is a lame horror movie without bare breasts? This movie could have been so much more with some headlights on, but you don’t even see those through any shirts. You get some pictures of chests, even closeups, but no knobs. Downgrade there.

Sound wasn’t anything special. There were a few jump out of your seat spook moments, but not enough to make HOW truly scary. HOW may make for a good rental, but forget about it in the theater. We paid Matinee prices which, after popcorn, soda and candy, worked out to be like $30, not counting the $5 gas to get to the theater. Wait for it. Grade: C+

Did this post make you go hmm?

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